Man Crush
by Tabloid
Summary: [Happy Birthday, Robert Feeney!] A hopefully amusing little tale of Snoddy and his Ewan McGregor autograph. You can't have a heterosexual man crush if you're gay!


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Newsies, Ewan McGregor, or Star Wars.

Warnings: Mild language.

A/N: Dedicated to Robert Feeney, on his 35th birthday! Happy Birthday, Snoddy!

------

"I can't see him!"

"He's over there, lame-o!"

"Over where, freakazoid?"

"Behind the wookie, jackass!"

"Bitch!"

"Man slut!"

"_Woman _slut!"

"I'm not a woman!"

"You wore your sister's dress to prom, Swifty!"

"…I was exploring my feminine side!"

"Bumlets! Swifty! Will you two shut up?" I snapped, standing on my tip-toes and looking over the crowd. "He'll be here any second."

"Oh, okay." Bumlets rolled his eyes. "When he gets here, Snoddy, be sure to tell him that you want to screw him 'til the cows come home."

"That's not the saying, whore!" And, they're at it again.

"Shut up, you woman slut!"

"_I_ _am not a woman_!"

"And I don't want to screw Ewan McGregor!"

The teeney-bopper next to me (she's probably at the premiere of Revenge of the Sith in hopes that Hayden Christenson will see her, fall madly in love, and ask her to marry him), gave me a frightened look, and sidled away.

"I don't!" I protested as she left. "Goddamnit, Bumlets!"

He shrugged. "Well, you do!"

"I do not! I have a healthy, heterosexual man crush on him."

"You can't have a heterosexual man crush if you're gay!", Swifty crowed.

"I'm not gay!"

Bumlets and Swifty smirked at each other.

"I'm not! I like having sex with girls!"

The thirty-something year old woman next to me glared. It was my turn to sidle.

"Listen, you two," I hissed. "Shut up!"

Bumlets shrugged. "It's not our fault you're embarrassing yourself."

"Besides," Swifty added. "When did you ever have sex with girls?"

"That's besides the point!"

"_You're_ besides the point!"

I blinked at him. "Swifty. You make no sense."

"Your _mom_ makes no sense."

Ooookay, done talking with Swifty now.

I turned back to the red carpet, and waited, ignoring the two behind me.

-----

"Snoddy, are you spooning that autograph?"

"No." I paused. "Wait. Define 'spooning'."

"Autograph slut!"

"Shut up, Swifty!"

"You shut up!"

Bumlets shook his head. "Listen, Snoddy, we're going to go down to the Riverwalk tonight. You coming? Or are you planning a romantic dinner for you and Ewan McGregor's face?"

"_Your_ face!"

"Shut _up_, Swifty!"

I reddened, slightly embarrassed, and returned the autograph to the manila envelope I brought. "Sure, I'll come. Just swing by my house so I can drop this off, first."

----

I ran into the foyer, tossed the envelope on the table, yelled to my mom that I was going out with the guys, and raced back out the door to the sound of: "Make sure you pick up all your stuff! I'm cleaning later!"

----

I walked in the house as the garbage truck was pulling away the next morning.

And I froze when I discovered the table was empty.

"MOM!"

"WHAT?"

"WHERE IS MY AUTOGRAPH!"

My mom walked into the foyer. "What autograph? I didn't see an autograph."

"The one I left on the table!" I exclaimed, emphasizing each word with frantic pointing at the now-empty table.

She paled. "Oh, Dean, I threw it out!"

"WHAT!"

"I told you to make sure all of your stuff was put away! I thought it was garbage!"

I screamed, threw open my front door, and ran out after the garbage truck. "STOP! STOP! EWAN!"

-----

"I think I'm dying."

"God, Snoddy, you're such a woman."

"I had it. For three measly hours, I had it. I touched something Ewan McGregor himself touched-"

"Too bad you weren't able to touch him, eh, Snodds?"

"Shut up, Swifty!"

"You shut up, Bumlets!"

"Now I have nothing to commemorate this occasion with. Soon the memory will be gone. Soon I will have forgotten-"

"Christ, dude, it's not like you got laid! He didn't even say 'Hi!'."

"Shut _up_, Swifty!"

My friends are moronic. Can't they see I'm in agony here?

Ewaaaaaaan. Wail.

----

The next morning, I slammed my locker door shut, turned around, and just about ran over Bumlets.

"Jeez, Snoddy, watch where you're going!"

"Sorry." I grumbled, and began to walk around him. Woe, woe, woe.

"Wait a sec." I stopped. "Here."

Bumlets thrust a picture at me, and I took it.

He must have taken it at the premiere- it was a picture of me, standing, looking slightly shocked while Ewan McGregor signed the autograph.

I grinned. "Bumlets, I could kiss you."

"Ah-ha!" Jesus Christ, where did Swifty pop up from? "You _are_ gay!"

"I am not!"

"Snoddy likes men!"

"Screw you!"

"_See_?"

I can never win with these two.

----

Gah, that sucked.

On the other hand, I am glad that I was able to write _anything._

A word from the wise: Never take a year off of writing. When you come back to it, you can't write worth shit.

Well, hopefully you're at least amused.

This idea came from when my mom told me she might have accidentally thrown out my DAVID SIDONI AUTOGRAPH!

But I found it. So it's okay.

Review, if only to tell me you love me.

-Tabloid, Princess of Lurkdom


End file.
